I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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