Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
