guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
