clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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