I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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