I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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