my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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