So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
