so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You were trust falling into bushes
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
