That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
