Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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