i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
this hospital has no fireball
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
