You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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