Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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