I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
