I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
