I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
