Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
