I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
