I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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