You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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