I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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