I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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