Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
