I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
