My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
