i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
