It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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