this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
