someone owes me an orgasm
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
