just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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