Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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