Four minutes until I can fart!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
