i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
