He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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