i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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