Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
