My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
