just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
