i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
