dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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