not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
