I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
