i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
