From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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