I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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