I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
