we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The beer is more important than you right now.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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