I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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