How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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