Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
farters have to be the big spoon...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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