We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
