U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
