my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
