i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
