life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
