I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
