Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
