I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
