I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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