He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
